Relationships

insecurity in a relationship

5 Ways to Stop Feeling Insecurity in a Relationship…

Many of us find ourselves dealing with insecurity in a relationship with our partner or even with friends.

Sometimes insecurity is born from low self-esteem, being hurt by someone in the past, not being able to trust others or body image issues. Regardless of the reasons you are struggling with insecurity in your relationship, there are ways to overcome it and enjoy a thriving and healthy relationship.

Here are five easy ways to strengthen your feelings towards your partner or friend.

Insecurity in a Relationship

You must stop trying to find that perfect person because they do not exist..

Sometimes we are just way too picky when it comes to the right people to pair up with on a romantic or friendship level. A common excuse is I am looking for “Mr. Right.” Mr. or Ms. Right should not lead you into thinking about perfection. If you are looking for a fairy tale or storybook romance, you are setting yourself up for failure. Remember story books and movies are fiction and real life cannot perfect those standards.

We are all imperfect and that is what makes us human. Realize also that we all have our own special talents, skills and abilities so look for qualities in a relationship that will compliment your own. Seeking someone who is also imperfect like you but possesses unique qualities will help balance both of your personalities and lead you to the right relationship for you.

Don’t waste all of your time trying to figure out what the other person is thinking.

This problem happens a lot in relationships. As soon as your partner says something that you do not quite understand, you start trying to figure out what he or she really meant. Do not automatically assume that a comment means something totally different from what was said. We spend so much time trying to analyze the thoughts and words of others that it can make us feel like we are losing our minds.

The same holds true if a person is silent. Do not make the mistake of instantly thinking that silence is a bad sign. However, in relationships we should always say what we mean and mean what we say. Be generous with your thoughts and feelings. Trust and security in a relationship is built with open conversation and being transparent with your thoughts and feelings.

Do not compare your new relationship to a previous one that did not work out…

Another bad trait that can make you feel insecure in your relationship is by judging your partner or comparing him or her to someone else. You have to let the past go and along with it all past hurts, disappointments and painful experiences. Yes we can all get scared if we have been in a bad relationship, but remember your new relationship is different.

Your new partner or friend is a different person who deserves your respect and trust until it is broken. The fact is this may be the right person for you and your trust quite possibly will never be broken.  So do not bring luggage with you into a new relationship. Always come forth with an open mind and a fresh outlook. Leave the dirty old bags behind you.

Do not over think and create problems that are not even there.

A quick way to sabotage an otherwise healthy relationship is by convincing yourself that there is a problem when there isn’t one. Feeling insecure is usually the cause of imagining problems that are not truly there. Learn to relax, let others care for you and give you love. Take down the shields and the walls that you have built and open your heart. Do not hang yourself up on any one event.

Things happen in relationships. Again, this is where talk, love and open ears are the true answers. Relationship ups and downs are normal so go with the flow of the current of your relationship and you will find yourself on smoother and happier waters.

Do not focus on negative aspects of your relationship.

All relationship will have rough patches at some point. Some may have more than others. It is normal and human to have days that are not so great. Remember it is ok if your partner is being a jerk one day or is in a bad mood. Give him or her some space during those moments and show them your love regardless. They will thank you for that later. I am not saying if something is notably wrong in a relationship that you should accept that. If this is the case, you and your partner should talk and get everything out on the table.  If they are just having a bad day, have some little negative quirks about them or something that is rather small, don’t waste your time focusing on it. Rather learn to accept and let it go.

relationship advice

Complicated Relationship

Do you ever get on Facebook and see someone change their relationship status to “it’s complicated”? More than likely you have seen this at least once in your news feed. The problem is there are way too many relationships that people consider complicated these days. What is a complicated relationship anyway? I have pondered this question and the answer seems pretty broad. Maybe this is the best way to explain it.


Complicated Relationship

A complicated relationship is any relationship where everything does not run as smoothly as a storybook fairytale.

Someone or some circumstance does something to cause an issue. If this is the case, we are all in a flawed relationship because none of us are perfect.

My theory is if we want to “uncomplicate” the relationships in our lives we must first search within ourselves and clean up old hurt feelings, bad pessimistic attitudes, grudges and baggage and only then can we understand how to nurture a thriving partnership with another human being.

Here are some positive ways to renew your way of thinking and living which will help you turn around a complicated relationship.

1. If you do not love yourself and lack self-respect, how can you expect someone else to respect and love you? You need to dig deep within and pull out the reasons that you struggle with this issue and remove these obstacles.

2. Do not cast judgment. None of us is perfect and neither do we have the right to judge others. Let the past die in the past, live in the present and do not worry about the future. When we judge others and bring up their past mistakes, we are only reopening old wounds as well as create wedges in our relationship with them. Realize we are all imperfect and human and that is okay.

3. Show your love rather than let simple words roll off your tongue. It is easy to run around saying I love you. You can speak these words all day long but if you do not show that you mean them and use action to express your love, they are nothing but wasted empty words.

4. Don’t let simple misunderstandings cause conflict. Making mountains out of mole hills only create tension and anger which over time is likely to cause a major meltdown in the relationship. Understand you will not always agree on everything with your partner. Learn to compromise and learn to let things go.

5. Respect difference and unique individuality. We are all different and we all like different things. It is good to have things in common as that builds a healthy relationship when we can enjoy things together with our partners but also understand your partner will like things that you do not necessarily like doing and that is ok too.

6. Notice the little things. It is easy to notice if your partner schedules a romantic trip for two or buys you an expensive gift but there are little things that truly matter which oftentimes go unnoticed. Watch for and be grateful for the little acts of love and kindness that your partner will show you.

7. Be Kind. If you run around like an angry bull, bark out orders and bite heads off you are bound to run into relationship troubles. Even on days you do not feel like being kind, show love and think of the other person’s feelings and do not stomp on their toes just because it will make you feel better. If you need to release that pent-up frustration and anger, go beat on a punching bag, scream into a pillow or jump up and down on the ground. Bottom line is don’t take things out on your partner.

8. Be positive and become someone who is worthy of a relationship. Change your attitude. Think about how you would feel if you were stuck with someone who is negative and filled with gloom and doom all day long. That kind of attitude would eventually suck the life out of the most happy-go-lucky of people. Try to be more positive and learn to find humor and take time to laugh and live. Yes you will have bad days but if you strive to see more good then the bad and let that be a reflection of your attitude, you will see an overall improvement in your relationships with others.

Books I highly recommend that will help you get started on getting your relationship back on track….

Love Expressions

4 Of The Most Important Love Expressions You Should Say….

Take the Time for Love Expressions

Words left unspoken can eat away at our souls when we realize it is too late to say them. Too often we let petty arguments stand in the way of the words that matter the most. Our desire to always be right takes over and interferes with simple forgiveness and relationships that could easily be repaired crumble underneath the crushing weight of pride.


Love Expressions

Here are a few of the most important words\Love expressions you can ever say and why you should make a habit of saying them..

“I love you.” Love is the most beautiful gift in a relationship between family, lovers or friends. Sometimes we take it for granted. Maybe you are the type of person who feels awkward and does not like to verbally express your emotions or possibly you think the one you love already knows so why say it again. Never make the mistake of assuming. Even though they may know you love them, it still helps to verbally enforce that feeling by speaking these three little words of love expressions. Sometimes tomorrow is too late to tell someone how you feel and you will be able to rest much easier knowing you expressed your love in all the ways that you could if the unexpected was to happen.

“I forgive you.” Oh such a simple phrase yet the hardest one to say. Why is it so hard to say I forgive you? It seems almost like human nature to feel if we forgive someone when they wrong us, we are conceding defeat. Somehow we believe that hanging onto the hurt and pain is our way of controlling what happened to us. Maybe we think it is the flaming sword that will help us win some sort of battle that does not even exist. In any event, whatever benefit we think we are getting by holding a grudge is actually more of a burden. Forgiveness is not only a way to mend a broken relationship or at least settle the dust of past troubles; it will also bring to you a sense of closure and will lift a heavy load from your back. All you have to do is forgive and reap the benefits of freedom of the mind and soul.

“I’m sorry.” This is a little phrase that should not just roll off the tongue without meaning it. When you say you are sorry, you must be transparent with your feelings and genuine with your words. Too many people get into the habit of saying they are sorry as a quick way to band-aid a wound they sliced open only to turn around and reopen the wound again and again and then they think these little words will be the cure-all. It you become an habitual (what I like to call “sorry sayer”), it will not take long for your words to be just that, nothing more than words. When you are really sorry for a wrong you have committed, say it, mean it and stop committing that wrong. Being sorry is one of the genuine love expressions that takes both action and words.

“Thank you.” Saying thank you is not just a polite gesture. My dad was never much of a shopping kind of guy and left it up to mom to do the shopping. He was probably just as surprised as I was when I opened my gifts each year but all of that changed during the Christmas season when I was 13 years old. He decided he would go pick out something for me without mom’s help. I am sure this had to be a venture for him trying to decide what I would like since I was a pretty picky kid and he was a bit clueless on the shopping scene. Nevertheless, he gave it his effort and picked up something he thought I would like. He did have mom wrap it for me because I am sure his gift wrapping skills were a bit rusty.

Those few weeks leading up to Christmas I was filled with anticipation because dad already told me “I picked out a gift for you myself this year and there it sits under the tree. Bet ya can’t guess what it is.” He had the biggest smile on his face like it was a guessing game between us and I just could not figure it out. It was all neatly wrapped in pretty paper with a bow and every chance I got I shook it but it stayed a mystery.

Well, December 23 rolled around and I kept thinking about how in just two more days I would get to unwrap dad’s special gift to me. As any kid anticipating Christmas would be, I was a bit distracted and failed to notice how dad did not seem like he felt very well that day. See, he had been sick with lung disease for years and some days were good but many were not so great. That evening dad had a breathing attack that resulted in a massive heart attack and in the course of a few life-altering moments we lost him. It all happened so fast for my 13-year-old mind to even begin to understand at the time and I felt so lost.

Two days later on Christmas Day, I did not even want to touch those gifts under the tree but my family insisted that dad would have wanted me to open his gift. I saved it for last. Tears rolled down my face as my shaky little hands unwrapped the most beautiful fluffy stuffed bear I had ever seen. It had a bright red bow around its neck and played the loveliest Christmas music when you pressed its paw. That was 25 years ago and I still have that bear as well as vivid memories of my dad. I never got to tell him thank you for the beautiful gift he picked out for me that year. I never got to tell him how special it was. I could only whisper these words from my heart in hopes that maybe some way, somehow, God would send him that message for me.

The moral of my story is to always tell someone thank you, not only is it a polite gesture, but you never know if your chance to show them how grateful you are could be stolen away.

what women want from men

What Women Want From Men

Some men do not have a clue what women want from them. They stumble when it comes to the little things and focus too much on the big things. It is not all about your money, your car, and things you can buy or provide for us. All of this is nice however, what we really need is fairly simple.

What Women Want…. A list of 10 things we really expect of you.

What Women Want

Spend quality time.. We really enjoy spending quality time with you. Slow down and make time for us. Put away the distractions, the computers, the TV, the over demanding work schedule and have some alone time just you and your partner. A simple relaxing evening on the porch swing, a romantic home cooked meal with nice conversation, and a walk on a nice afternoon are all great and budget friendly ways to reconnect with your sweetheart.

Be dominant and take control of situations… Whether we all admit it or not, most of us gals feel more secure and protected when our man takes the leadership role in the relationship. Some guys who are naturally more passive may have a hard time with this. We are not asking you to be a super hero. Just get in touch with your inner manly assertiveness. Show us you can lead, protect and take care of business. Do not leave it up to us to take that role.

Be romantic.. You should already know this but we love romance. If you want to capture our hearts and make us fall madly in love, be romantic! Plan a surprise romantic date. Cook us a nice candlelit meal. There are so many ways you can pull this off but you really need to dig down deep and get in touch with your romantic side.

Help out around the house and with the children… Our schedules are so full and demanding and if we work outside of the home (a lot of us do) we are busy from sun up to sun down and then some. We need all hands on deck when it comes to taking care of the daily household chores and caring for the children. If you take over a generous amount of chores around the house and volunteer to take the children to soccer practice, dance or any other activities they are involved in, this is a sure way to ease some of the stress on your partner and I promise you she will be grateful for your help.

What Women Want
What Women Want.

Be our friend.. Yes we have our girlfriends, but to have a true and bonded relationship with you, we need you to be our friend as well. We need open and honest communication. We need to connect with you and share some common interests. We need to know that when the world has smashed us down to near ashes, you are the one last spark that is just enough to rekindle our fire for life again.

Be a good listener… Sometimes we need to vent. I know, you probably think we do that way too much already. You are right, we should not completely dump our feelings on you all the time but we do need you to be a good listener when we are having a really bad day or are in serious need of an open ear. We do not expect you to be able to fix every problem that heads our way. Simple listening and a consoling hug are enough to show us you care.

Show interest in what we enjoy… Having a common interest is an important aspect in any relationship. Of course we are not going to always like what you enjoy or you like what we enjoy, however there should be at least one or two activities that we can both enjoy together. Our hobbies and pursuits of happiness may not be your cup of tea, but if you will at least take just a few minutes of your time and devote it to listening to us tell you about our adventures and show some genuine interest, this is a sure way to increase the reading on our love meter.

Have a good sense of humor and a positive attitude… Even on a bad day a good sense of humor can lighten an otherwise miserable load and that is what women want and need. We love to laugh and laughing puts us in a better mood. A guy with a good sense of humor is a true asset to a girl. We also like for you to have a positive and upbeat attitude. Who wants to spend time with (or much less their life with) someone who sits around complaining and always having something negative to say? Negative personalities eat holes in relationships. We really do not have the time to dedicate to guy with a bad attitude.

What Women Want Is For Their Man To Have a sense of style…What Women Want

Yes guys, we do care about how you look. Whether we have been dating a few weeks or married for years, you should still at least try to assemble some sort of presentable appearance especially if we are out in public. I am not saying you should dress to the hilt when sitting around at home but if you put an effort into being presentable and coordinated out in public that says a lot about how you feel about pleasing us and how you take care of business as an individual.

Have a sensitive side… You do not have to be tough all the time around us. We understand that is the common ground you share with your guy friends but we need you to be sensitive when matters call for it. It is ok to shed a tear and it is ok to be emotional. It shows you are human and that you care. We are not asking for you to turn into a tear soaked cry baby but just show your sensitivity when the time and place is ripe for it.

bad relationship

6 Signs That You Are in a Bad Relationship

Often times it is easy to end up in a bad relationship without evening realizing it.

This applies to both friendships and romantic relationships. The people we socialize with have a strong impact on our lives. They influence our thoughts and behavior and can drag us down or lift us up. Wondering if you are in a relationship gone bad?

Bad Relationship

Here are 6 warning signs that you could be in a bad relationship.

  1. They speak negatively about your aspirations, dreams and talents.

Instead of encouraging you to pursue your goals, you will often find them telling you their opinions on what they think you can actually achieve and therefore are setting limitations on you. They are pretty good at painting a vivid picture of how your particular path should lie ahead and will make assumptions on how it is all going to end up. Even though you may look at their directions as well-intended, you should never let their negativity affect your choices. You are capable of achieving any goal when you put forth the required efforts and determination it takes.

  1. Their negative attitude is starting to affect you.

The negative people in your life will spew their attitude problem towards not only you, but everyone else that comes in contact with them. Negativity is like a disease that is contagious with contact.   Most of the time, their own inner problems and issues fester like a sore and give birth to the bad approach these people take towards situations.  To keep from contracting the “negativity bug”, take a good long break from the person who is putting a damper in your mood. It may be a good idea to sit down and talk with this person and address the problem. If they still refuse to change, it is probably best to eliminate your contact with this individual altogether.

3.   You have caught them in a lie more times than you care to admit.

Trust and honesty are some of the most important aspects of a relationship. If the person you have a relationship with has a tendency to lie to you (whether you think it is big or small) they are not proving to be a good partner, good friend or anyone that you can trust. Lying is a blatant form of disrespect towards you.  A person who truly values your relationship will always be honest and forth giving of information.  Withholding important information is just as bad as telling a lie to cover it up. Remember, lies are poisonous to a relationship.

bad

Signs of a Bad Relationship…

4.   They do not free up time to spend with you unless it is convenient for them.

If you are in a relationship with someone who will not make an effort to dedicate time to spend with you, this is a sure sign you need to get out of the relationship. Never put yourself in a position to pine after the affection of another who only puts a small fraction of effort into spending quality time with you. Realize your own value and self-worth. Anyone who truly cares about you will show it in their actions towards you and part of those actions is spending quality time.

5.  They harbor jealousy and keep bringing up your past.

Everyone has a past and we all make mistakes at one point or another that we are not particularly proud of. A healthy relationship is one that can move forward and put those events behind it and learn to forgive or if there is no need for forgiveness, they just simply move on toward the future leaving the past behind. If you are in a relationship with someone who keeps bringing up a mistake that is in your past or they keep judging you by that event and not letting it go, you probably need to let that person go.  They will zap and drain you of all positive energy and self-worth that you have by berating you and that is not a relationship that you want to continue if you care about yourself.

6.  They choke the life out of you..  If you feel choked (as I like to call it) or as some people may say “trapped” take a long hard look at the reasons. You should not feel restricted in a friendship or a partnership. Any relationship should be built on honesty, trust and the ability to have other friends and the freedom to move about without feeling controlled. If a person is attempting to limit the places you go, the people you see and the activities you participate in, this is a warning sign of a controlling and choking relationship.

Recommended Books to Help You Get Out of the Relationship Slump…

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